Now let’s be clear. I do not wish to be mistaken for any shape, form or even semblance of a Freudian, but I have noticed of late, an increasing number of direct conversations between my Id and my Ego. Self and self. Plural. I have been addressing myself directly, and sometimes I even respond. I am interpreting this as too much time alone, as opposed to early-onset schizophrenia, but the conversations are becoming more and more elaborate… Sometimes the two are together, in the ‘we’ format -for example “we are NOT eating bread and Nutella at this hour of the night”, but other times they take the more accusing ‘I and you’ format. For example, one will look at the other’s reflection accusingly in the mirror and note the enormous black panda eyes and irritated sinuses. “What did you do???” It will demand. (Of itself. ) “I know, I know”, it will reply. “It was the bread and Nutella. I’ll quit the dairy soon, I promise”. They are not always food related, these conversations, but I have started to wonder whether they are cause for alarm. Does everyone do this? I mean, I know we all mentally talk to ourselves, but a two-way dialogue??? Even in this very moment, such a dialogue occurred. “Come on come on, you want the physio exercises to be done before 10:30-the physio must be done”
“Come on, then after, I promise, I’ll let you back on the blog. I promise”.
However, if this is the price to be paid for having loads of time to myself, then I am more than willing to pay it!! When I am not working, the space I have is great. Incidentally, having gotten this job has proved more satisfying than I ever could have imagined. Okay, so for the moment, while I am there, I’m a little stressed, but that is normal when you are two days into a new job. But outside of the job, I feel like I have never been less stressed. I do not worry about the work when I am not there, and honestly, for the first time in months -if not years -I actually feel like I’m OFF. Maybe it’s just in comparison to the last few months, but I suspect it’s been longer. Life has a very fast pace at home, and it’s constant planning and multi-tasking -forever packing a bag, or exercising, or meal-planning, or filling out forms, or foolishly trying to change electricity providers in search of a better deal. Now some might say that’s just adult life Sarah, which will catch up with you in France as well, but for now, it’s great. I have time -and more importantly, mental energy -to sit around writing blogs, watching Netflix, learning French or buying jeans. I even want to do these things! It could of course be argued that there is a more significant price to be paid than having dueling internal conversationalists, which is having effectively cut out all friend and family commitments. That was a drastic one, admittedly, but advanced telecommunication technology (and €55 a fucking month to eMobile) means that this hasn’t been as stark a separation as one might expect. Although my mother is still refusing to learn how to press three buttons on WhatsApp to send me pictures (nothing but stubbornness if you ask me), we can, through a simple process of emailing and note-taking, still complete the Sunday Independent crossword together every week. I can also arrange phone calls with friends while we are both out walking, and a bit of swift narration can make me feel like I’m back in my old neighbourhood. (“Where are you now?” “I’m outside Aldi” “Oh grand we’re nearly home”.) But honestly, this feeling of relaxation, of actually owning the time off, is spectacular, and I’m really enjoying it. Give me about five minutes to fill it with commitments, I know, but like I said, For Now, I love it.
I am also sleeping better than I have in years. Now it could be the Tunisian climate in Apartment 1b (I always sleep well in hot countries), but for whatever reason, I fall asleep and Stay Asleep! Until my alarm! And I don’t even want to get up when it rings! Everyone should emigrate. If only for their circadian rhythms.